Monday, September 3, 2012

Mortality and Motherhood

A change of gears here,

Late night writing tends to happen when there are things on my heart and mind that I can't get away from....
Thoughts that keep me up at night.
I guess, at an earlier age--I've always thought about death and mortality.

My preacher often time preached on the End of Times.
And though I may never thought of my own personal death when I was young--I did realize that life has a time stamp.
And that life can be cut so short.

I learned that lesson first hand numerous times with pets that passed away too soon...
and one of the biggest and most significant was the passing of my Grandfather.
I was in 5th grade.
He died of Cancer.

Such an awful disease.
He faced death with grace.
He was ready to meet his Maker.
Papa was relatively young.
He was in his early 70's.

I say that is young because my Meme, his widow-is now 87.
It's been nearly 15 years since Papa died.

And then there was my uncle.
He was young,
super young.
A young Marine.
A helicopter Pilot.
A newlywed,
married to my aunt.
He died in a routine helicopter mission.
His life was cut short.
Before they enjoyed a year of marriage.
Before they had a chance to have kids.

It was a freak accident.
And I can remember the night my parents told me.
It all seemed so surreal...
and sickening.
Like a nightmare that I couldn't shake.
And of course, I could never imagine the pain my aunt experienced.

Life gets cut short.
And it can be so hard to adjust and move on.

This post comes from a slew of things.
Death has knocked on the door of my friends and family over the years...many times.
And even recently.

Now as a mother,
to two.
I think of death more than I'd like.
Maybe it's because I can't bear to think of leaving my children.
Or they, leaving me.

I know God has a plan for His children.
And that with life,
there comes death.
And in His plan, we may suffer and die.

But, it doesn't make it easier to face.
Of course, I know I'll be in Heaven one day.
One day with my Uncle Grady.
And My Papa Jim.
And the countless loved ones that have left too soon.

However, as a mother--
death now scares me.
Whereas, it didn't before.

I have always had steadfast faith.
Even when I was slipping down a slippery slope of sin and destruction.
I knew my soul was safe.
Yes, it was ridiculous of me to be so stupid, selfish and living in sin--but I knew I had been saved.
It was only a matter of time before God gave me a lesson to get back on the right path.
And luckily...I did.

Even though I know where I'll be going,
it doesn't make it easier.
Because, as a mother---I want to be here.
To protect.
To shield.
To love.
To teach.
To guide.
To hold.
To grow old.

Same goes when you get married.
You wish to grow old with your spouse.
Have children, grandchildren...
and rock on the front porch, hand in hand.

That's what I want.
But, I know there's no guarantee.

So with each day,
I kiss.
I kiss a lot.
I kiss my husband.
I kiss my son.
I hug,
I squeeze.
I snap photos.
I savor....
And I pray.

I thank God for my son in my womb.
That we have a healthy delivery.
That he is fine and safe.

I pray for God's will.
That Kie may grow to be a great Christian man, who fulfills God's will in every sense.
I pray that if I'm lucky, Justin grows old with me.
That he realizes that my fears and worries are just because I love so deep.

I know there is no guarantee of how long we will be here.
So, I guess I just want to leave my mark.
Not to be famous or rich.
But so that those that I love...
know I love them.
And that that impacted my life in such a wonderful, wonderful way.

That my husband knows,
without a doubt,
I'd do anything for him.
That he's my rock.
He's my soul-mate.
That Kie knows,
that I never knew unconditional love, until he was born.
That I never knew true joy....until he was born.
That thanks to him and his father,
I got to experience true bliss and happiness.

My pregnancy with Kie, saved my life.
It was the catalyst that got me back to God.

And to my son,
who has yet to be born...
That I love him to the moon and back as well.
I don't know him yet, but I stay awake waiting for reassuring kicks.
I've already cried over you.
Dreamed about you...
and loved you before I even held you.

Motherhood means thinking of mortality.
It may make us crazy.
It may keep us up at night...
And I guess, that's another layer of emotions you strap on as a mother.

It's a heavy burden
and I don't think it gets lighter....
I know--that I'd give my life for my two sons.
I'd do anything so they won't have to hurt.
And for my husband,
I want nothing more than to grow old with you, for you to be happy and flourish--and to be with you always.

And to all my family and friends,
I love you, all.
And I thank you for being in my life in anyway.
Life is short.
And it's times like this that puts things in perspective.
When things happen we don't understand,
it should reveal to us that we need to cherish our time.
To tell others we love them....
and to always be grateful.

Sometimes, we don't understand God's will.
We don't understand why people hurt and die.
Why the innocent go too soon...

I don't have the answers.
But, what I do know is that in return, I'm more grateful for my time.
That I'm grateful for my time with my loved ones and all my many blessings.
And I vow that
everyday I'll give thanks to God for everything.

Praying and thinking of a very sweet and dear momma friend, Ashton.
You're on so many people's minds--and in so many prayers.
Stay strong sweet girl.
We're lifting you and your family up.
And ultimately, God has His hand on you.


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